When awareness feels like a burden

The worst days of my life happen to be the ones where I am overly aware about my surroundings and problems.

Lately, I've been stressed and upset; far from my best state, mentally or physically. Still, I try to maintain an optimistic perspective. It feels like the most sustainable way to cope with everything.

I've been struggling financially for years. I live in the slums of one of the poorest cities in an underdeveloped region of my country. My childhood was genuinely terrible and left me with CPTSD and severe trust issues. I've never been content with my appearance, though I do recognize my potential and capacity to achieve my goals. What doesn't help is that I've never had a supportive environment in my whole life. My entire family has been historically bigoted.

My father is a former member of one of the largest criminal organizations in Latin America. A few family members are still connected to it. This number is by all means large now as most have passed away due to their connections. If he found out about my identity, it's safe to assume that I'd be killed on spot. Thankfully, I cut all ties with him years ago. I'm autistic and have ARFID, and he made sure I suffered abuse by virtue of it. My mother, on the other hand, has shown disdain toward queer people for over a decade, but I've noticed her slowly changing over the past year or two.

I don't have the funds to invest in myself: education, actual therapy I could trust, or my appearance. Even so, I still feel like coming out to her. The fact she doesn't comprehend the difference between being homosexual and being transgender is for sure an obstacle. High-quality education and information aren't accessible for people at the bottom of society. She hasn't had much education. Honestly, nobody in my family has. Most people in my family haven't even finished elementary school, let alone gone further.

My psychologist and some friends suspect I might have a dissociative disorder. Even my family has noticed my unpredictable behavior and constant mood shifts. It's something I'm still trying to understand and work through, which isn't easy without access to proper therapy. I love myself as much as somebody who went through what I did ever could. I feel like I could love myself even more if I manage to sort this out.

There's more to it, as always. I don't think I'm comfortable sharing more, nor do I feel capable of putting such disgrace into words. Such state of mind must stay suppressed until hell freezes over. My family doesn't get it. I've tested the waters countless times. It always backfires. They always make me feel worse by not being attentive or understanding, despite not meaning to. To some extent, the suicidal thoughts are back after years of avoidance.

Frankly, being "alright" to me is often just a temporary state of blissful ignorance, forcing myself to be unaware of everything happening in my life. I do want all of this to change. I want to finally live comfortably, but that'd require me to figure out a direction first and I'm willing to put all my effort onto it.